Be Better. Be A Man.
I’m still trying to figure out, with everything that has been spoken about and happening in our current world, where people got the idea that they could dictate the lives of another. I understand that everyone has opinions, has been raised in a specific environment and have been subject to different experiences however what I struggle to comprehend is how people feel entitled enough or better than others to the point where they impact others lives in a way that is unwarranted.
With everything going on, I’ve been pretty lucky to have been able to have conversations with those closest, both male and female, and reflect on myself as a person and specifically in regards to the issue surrounding the treatment of women in our society. I consider myself quite an honest person and will never pretend like I have not been guilty of some of the points being raised in regards to this issue. Whilst having conversations and hearing how women have been made to feel uncomfortable or hurt by the actions of men, it has shocked me and led me to feel ashamed as a lot of things I felt were harmless and playful left a lasting impact on someone close to me. What I have learnt quite recently is that although the intention was never to harm or degrade, it doesn’t matter, as it is how she perceives and feels regarding those actions.
Writing this article is not done with the purpose of standing higher than another and solving world issues, it is to recognise what has gone before, reflect with regret on actions of the past and ensure that we, as a society, are making an intended effort to make a change. Now more than ever we are able to see, day to day, how our actions can have an effect on others. We need to hold ourselves, our mates and strangers are accountable for the actions they display. It blows my mind often how I didn’t recognise and empathise before, how what I have said or how I have conducted myself could have negatively impacted a female in my life.
We continue to ask the question; “Why do we act like this and why is it deemed acceptable”. The standard response returns to us being;
“Because that’s how it has always been, but it’s getting better”
Is it really getting better though? And how long are we going to continue to say “it’ll get better” before we draw the line and not stand for any more harm. Why do still allow women of our society to walk home and have to navigate through streets that must be lit to ensure they feel safe? Why are women questioned for what they’re wearing on a night out as there is a fear it will attract the wrong intended attention from men? Why is it, that it is not all men, but the majority of women that can relate and speak from the experience of the conversations circulating over the past week?
For too long we have been protecting the wrong side of the argument. Instead of telling her to dress differently or just “catch an Uber instead”, we should be educating the young sons of our society, protecting the vulnerable but most importantly, not allowing any of those that walk our earth to be put in a position to feel uncomfortable. The blasé response of “boys will be boys” just doesn’t fly anymore. There is so much toxic masculinity that people feel it’s okay for boys to push and make fun of girls as a form of flirting just teaches men from a young age that these sort of behaviours are acceptable. If it’s not for parents and people in that child’s circle that then teach the boy those actions do not transfer to adult life, they will continue these actions feeling they’re doing nothing wrong. A domino effect occurs and we sit here today thinking “where did these guys get the thought that this is okay”. Women should not have to adjust their actions to ensure male behaviours are not inconvenienced.
The conversations have been wrong from the beginning and the wrong questions are being asked. If we change these questions and put the topic on the opposite side of the fence, I feel the change will exponentially increase. Instead of talking about how many girls have been raped or sexually assaulted, we should be asking how many guys have been the predators. The way the sentence is formed creates a passive construction. There is no active agent in the sentence. It becomes a bad thing that happens to women instead of a bad thing men are doing. The term “Violence Against Women” does not build any association of labelling a culprit, it just states it happens without anyone at fault. And that’s the problem, no one is accepting fault.
So what can we, as men, do to help?
The answer is pretty simple and it’s something we’ve been taught all of our lives. Ever since we were young, we’ve learnt that the first step towards change is acceptance. We need to accept our wrongdoings, accept that we have not been good enough and accept that there is more that we could have done in ensuring the safety of our sisters, cousins, mothers, daughters and friends. Accepting that we, like men, live in a privileged world in regards to feeling safe in our every day lives. Accepting that we can and should do better.
The next step is to communicate, which is where I am right now. We must communicate with each other and allow others to understand that those little snickering jokes, even without the presence of a female, is unacceptable as it builds a toxic culture. Yeah, I guess I’m feeling quite vulnerable writing this and nervous about how it might be perceived but knowing the people in my circle and the real men who also recognise that there is a problem, they will be on board. This isn’t a hate on guys, we’re the worst thing that exists sort of article. This is a statement that as men, we can recognise where the last generation has gone wrong, where we have failed to change but also what we can become and change for the future of this world.
This isn’t going to be fixed overnight, nor is it going to be wished away like some other trend. Generations have gone before us fighting for the same thing and have achieved monumental changes. Granting women the right to vote, using the same form of public transport, competing in the same Olympics and becoming CEOs of world-renowned companies to name a few. It takes small things to be changed to make a larger overall impact. An example of pulling a bloke up on the street that’s probably walking too close to the solo woman in front is a simple thing that we can do every day which will create a standard across all of our actions. This will flow into conversations and topics raised will be shut down because they’re recognised to be unacceptable.
At the end of the day, this article for me only scratches the surface. There are deeper rooted issues that surround our generation and no, it does not all leave the blaming on the male cohort but this article is one part that men do play in allowing for the violence and mistreatment of women to happen. We need to be accountable for our actions and for the actions of those that surround us. It is far from an easy solution but we can play a part in helping mend the gap and provide a safe environment for all to live in. We should no longer accept a mentality of “she’ll be right” because we can keep saying it, but when will we ever know that she’ll be right without making it happen ourselves.
Boys will no longer “be boys”, boys will be held accountable for their actions and it will be by men.
